Detach from Toxic Parents. No, I don’t. Briggs and her husband Paul began adopting children almost 30 years ago, and they’re not done expanding their family yet. 1. (Say the children weren't present and you wouldn't have the chance to ever communicate them.) But two miscarriages later, we were told our doctor that it was never going to happen naturally. Then, to update my view, I believe there is something psychological that occurs within a mother who *knows that her child came from her, carries her genes, so on. So how do you explain estranged parents, abusive parents, and downright narcissistic, unloving parents? Are you saying that the love of a parent is not unconditional towards their children? Case, Lin, and McLanahan (2000) found that American families with biological chil-dren spent 5% more THAT is impossible. Finding out I was infertile wasn’t heartbreaking for me. "My biological grandchildren don’t necessarily have an equal place in my heart; I love them all dearly and could never choose if forced, yet their place in my heart is different, just as they are different. After many months of going back and forth, I realized that my significant other was everything I had ever wanted in a partner except the offspring part. I just consider her my daughter, and I love her just the same—the love hasn’t changed at all. To clarify my view, I think there is a special bond, be it chemical or otherwise, that occurs as a result of the pregnancy and/or birthing process. I I know it’s probably hard for you to understand, but just like you never wanted biological children, he does want biological children. It would require that the parents be quite self-aware, and self-critical, but I wouldn't imagine that if a person were committed to an adopted child that they could treat them with as much love as they treat their child. It is entirely possible to love an adopted child as your own and proving the opposite would be impossible. If you two find that you can’t find a compromise, it would be unfair for both you. The birth process can help the mother to form a bond with her infant more easily and more quickly. No OB-GYN visits other than my annual exam. I told him a Then again, in the The American Life episode I linked, one of the mothers instinctively *knew that the baby was not hers, while the other mother did not suspect anything. When I adopted him as an adult (he’s 26) he said it may be too late in his life for being adopted, he has a girlfriend and 2 daughters of his own. A lot. Still, no excuse for suddenly viewing your SO as such. This is my career. While at a BBQ with him, he was talking about his 2 step kids (wifes kids), and then the baby. If I have an adopted child and a biological child, maybe my biological child is a huge pain, gets in trouble, doesn't listen to me, etc. It’s in these moments that I see him. - I wouldn’t have adopted. You started off with not wanting to have kids at all to adopting your cousins kids. I love them because of who they are now. I missed out on my 20s because I was married and/or pregnant. No, I do not "love" my children... but they certainly believe that I do. I didn’t finish my bachelor’s degree until I was over 30. Luckily both babies or of the same race, so it isn't too obvious. Why does family always have to be blood? Admittedly I have never felt that desire so I am having a hard time empathizing with the voracity of this feeling. Some parents and children don't get along well at all, despite being incredibly similar, and some parents and children get along very well despite being dissimilar. We can defy biology. People can still be happy with their lives yet want something more. That's a little jump start for the real thing. Because this bond is created during those processes, it would be impossible to replicate it with an adopted child. Interesting...reminds me of this This American Life episode: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/360/switched-at-birth. That’s fine, but please understand he isn’t a monster for wanting his own kids. I think it’s unfair of you to act all blindsided and uncompromising to his sparked desire to now wanting bio kids after getting to experience fatherhood for the first time. If I had missed those first few days with one of my children because someone else had carried them and given birth to them, I would not love them less. Why do I seem to be the only mother who hasn't transferred all the burning passion I felt for my husband to my children? Prospective adoptive families often wonder if they can really love an adopted child as much as a biological child. My husband and I wanted kids. If another child is completely off the table for you, then you too need to have a serious talk about it. It was either us or an orphanage (is that still the correct term?). "My biological grandchildren don’t necessarily have an equal place in my heart; I love them all dearly and could never choose if forced, yet their place in my heart is different, just as they are different. In the late ‘80s, the founder of a support group for adopted children who had recently reconnected with their biological relatives coined the term “Genetic Sexual Attraction” (GSA) to describe the intense romantic and sexual feelings that she observed occurring in many of these reunions. I can’t help but feel as though he’s saying, “If you wont be an incubator for me, I can’t love you as much. I suggest talking with your significant other about this. No resentment or regrets. She sounds lost in her own soap. As a way of judgement, I wouldn't be the one to do it, only the adoptive mother could say what she felt about her biological kids and adopted kids. I was raised by my biological mother and adoptive father. My parents divorced when I was very young, and my mother (whom I lived with) set a very poor example with all her other relationships (4 marriages total). But I don’t want more. In that case, each family has a baby that they believe is theirs, but not biologically. In your example it seems the love for a child is very conditional, based on how they behave. We have that bond that I lack with my other little girl. Read this article to learn why your fears about loving an adopted child will all seem laughable And I didn’t ‘change my mind’. “But not in the same way I love my biological daughter. Like staying up until 1 a.m. gluing glitter on a second-grade class project. As others have said, please talk to him yourself and figure out how high of a priority it is. Do you mean a certain range of feelings of pride, joy, happiness, friendship, and security towards an individual? Its natural. I’ve never traveled out of the country. Being a parent comes with loving them as well as caring for them. And this tangentially makes me think--if you are raising your children the same, and your biological children are more baldy behaved than your adopted children, wouldn't that be pointing to something in their genes that makes them less cooperative towards you? You posted this on reddit when in reality you need to have this exact talk with him. Before you make any decisions, you need a serious sit down conversation with your spouse. You have communicated really well before now, it doesn’t seem like you’ve discussed you’re concerns regarding his new feelings at all though. I recently went to an event about Chinese orphanages and the Chinese adoption system. P arents’ love for their children can make them do peculiar things. . I'm conflicted now...I'm leaning more towards the *knowing that the baby is yours being the activation agent in the special bond that exists between a mother and who she *believes is her baby. And upon seeing him, I know my love for him is pure, genuine, unwavering, and as deep as any mother’s love is for her IF you're describing love as an action, then I'd argue that it's quite possible for someone to intentionally treat their birth children and their adopted children in the same way. “You just need to have more patience.” “You can have vacations when they are older.” I had children young. I am wildly and unabashedly on their team — as long as their team isn’t currently facing up against Gabe. I don't know what prompted them to tell me but they did. It is rarely as special as a biological bond, but it can be very strong. We can love whomever we damn please as much as we damn please in the way that we please. We’ve talked our heads off for years. Detaching is an emotional concept and has nothing to do with physical proximity. For every proponent of the idea that adopted-kids-aren't-quite-the-same, you may easily find their counterpart, the I-never-bonded-with-my-biological-child writer who bravely tells the truth that they never really connected with their kids, or even regret having them, period. I don’t think he loves his adopted children any less or that he thinks they’re not good enough - it’s two completely different things that you just can’t empathize with because you don’t feel the same way. However, this doesn't guarantee that the biological parents will love the child any more than some stranger off the sidewalk. I don't want to procreate. But the fact that one mother did feel that she was given the wrong child proves that the bond does exist, however rarely. Nothing. It took me by surprise and I was hurt for a while. I don't have any kids but have no interest in biological children. This would put the adoptive children lower on the love scale than their biological siblings, and quantify that parent's love for his/her children. A couple years ago we adopted two children, 16 months and 3 months. There’s nothing that makes me more angry than people implying she’s not my real sister or that our mom is not her real mom or that any of our “My stepdad, who I simply call ‘Dad’, filled the role of father the way my biological dad, who was an alcoholic, never did. OP trying to make him out to be a monster. She's my blood you know. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/360/switched-at-birth. A friend of ours just had a baby. To pass on a living legacy in the modern era you need to pass on ideas. Need help with your relationship? My adopted child is a great kid, smart, follows the rules, really sweet. A place to post an opinion you accept may be flawed, in an effort to understand other perspectives on the issue. The real "love" is based on a relationship. I don't want kids that look like me. Still, the ticking of my biological clock eventually got loud enough to hear over the salsa music I danced to several times a week. It’s an impossible question to answer right now, but in 20 years or so, I might be asking this same question, and justifiably so. If my cousin had not died or her boyfriend not left and given up custody, I wouldn’t have adopted. As far as step-grandchildren "My adopted parents just told me one day after school. She passed after an undiagnosed illness and the father bounced after the second child was born. She still comes over with my biological son. I still wanted a third. I love to learn new things – working with children was, and still is a HUGE learning experience. With each child, adopted or otherwise, parents will feel different amounts of feelings, and will have different reactions. I think love is quantifiable in the sense that relative love can be ordered on a scale of "most loved" and "least loved." But here's the thing: that initial hormonal attachment doesn't last. If children are very young and the step parent begins to parent the child and love it then a special bond will be formed. But someday I will be at her funeral, to pay my respects. To fit my belief into this, I would expect that a significant number of parents would choose to save their biological children over their adoptive children. I think part of the question I have is how you define love? Being infertile must really take an emotional toll on her, and she hides behind whatever this projection is. I still do. I talk to Amy about the sticky web of girl drama in middle school, both assuring her that what she’s facing is normal and helping her navigate her way through. I was not going to allow him not wanting children to affect the relationship I was in. No one can quell your fears and insecurities and answer your italicized questions besides him. More posts from the relationship_advice community, Continue browsing in r/relationship_advice. Cournoyer said they have better training and have more experience with the normal development of sexual behaviors. But then, I had a child After a year into the relationship, my husband changed his mind. Do I Love My Adopted Child as Much as Birth Parents Love Their Kids? The feelings are valid, the actions the husband is taking are not. They are cutest, smartest kids and I am going to do everything I can in this world to make sure they become incredible adults. A reasonable suggestion there, but he needs to be acutely aware that blood or not, all his kids are his kids and he can't favor his blood related kid if they go that route. As a sidenote, my close friend was adopted and I know people who have had children both biologically and through adoption. Do I beg him to stay and try to meet the feminine ideal so he is as little resentful as possible? My husband and I always talked about having 2-3 kids. Just to clarify, I'm not asserting that these parents are liars should they insist that they truly love their biological and adoptive children equally, just that I believe it is more likely for a mother to love her biological children more, for biological/psychological reasons. I think it's similar with adopted kids(especially if they were adopted as babies). It’s just how you both individually feel. “Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my adopted daughter. You can prove that biological parents should be more attached to their child if we're to believe the science behind oxytocin and the other chemicals/hormones released during childbirth that make the parents attached to the baby, but you can't prove that the bond will last beyond the hormonal outburst, nor can you prove that the oxytocin will have the same effect on everyone across the board. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. I am not an adopted child, nor an adoptive parent, nor do I know anybody who is either. It’s been about three years since I basically gave up on motherhood, and although Inti and I are not actively preventing conception, I no longer slump when my period comes each month to remind me, yet again, of my not-pregnant status. I always thought if you loved your step-kids, you would love them the same as your biological children if you had more later. They were my cousin’s children. I am Chinese, and perhaps my views on familial exclusivity has only a cultural basis. This bond translates into a kind of love, and because the adopted child does not receive this kind of love from their parent, they are loved less. I gave birth to her. Parenting is not biology or blood work, just as it's not process of acquisition or paperwork; parenting is practice, the love you give, and the life you make. You went from,”we’ve talked our heads off for years.” To seemingly no discussion and wondering if you should end the marriage. Love is not all or nothing. I just think that, if she where being honest with herself, the mother would agree that she loves her biological kids more than her adoptive kids. I love my Son as much as any parent could love their biological child. I don't have any empirical information on parents and adopted kids, but I'm sure that there's a similar connection, especially once they've been in the family for a while. Neither side is right or wrong. They are my … But my husband has been talking about having an urge to have biological children. In these cases the dynamic is reversed and the bond that gets cultivated early on is that between father and child. There's just something that happens to you when that sweet little face looks up at you with complete trust and dependence, no matter how they got there. It is the morals, rituals, traditions, and experiences that you impart on kids that determine your legacy. But. Definitley is a huge trigger for her. We as humans have overcome many if not most biological problems that would make it necessary to try to pass on "good" genes. I would never dream of telling the non-biological parent in a lesbian couple that her child was less hers than her partner’s. I love my daughter because of her passion and because of the way she cares about other people. Of course. It not awful. I didn't know he wasn't my biological father growing up, but I did know there was not a father/daughter relationship. I think that biology does play a role, but human beings are also adaptive creatures and complex ones. My family is similar in that I am the biological child and my younger sister is adopted. If the problem is you not wanting biological children then you can look into a surrogate, and he can have his blood child. I view my children as possessions. (Not to mention those who abandon their children, or worse.) After writing this I hope that I can be shown that I am wrong about this. I appreciated how he immediately told me of his decision and allowed me the time I needed to make the right decision for me without any pressure. I think that your argument is based upon your gut feeling, or an incredulity that someone could feel this way when you can't imagine it. Anecdotally, I am friends with a family, and their kids basically moved out of the house at 20 and 18 respectively, and by that point were completely estranged. Can people please stop saying that I changed my mind about children and am now being selfish because my bloodline is continuing? When my daughter was three, we started trying for another baby.I was desperate for a second child as I love being a mother and I wanted a sibling for Hailey. We have been together for seven years. As far as step-grandchildren, as much as I try not to show that there is a difference, I have to be honest and say it is different." Let's say two babies are switched at birth in the hospital by accident. I think the idea of passing on your genes is outdated. Do you want another child? At some point in the conversation people will sigh and say, “We thought about adoption. “I just enjoy it. While I am glad that these girls now have wanting and loving families, I can't help but feel (strongly) that their adoptive families will never love them as much as their biological child(ren), because I think it is human nature/biology to feel an un-replicable bond with your biological child. My mom wanted to spend more time with her, whereas I always got on her nerves and she would say things like, “When you’re here, Kathy, it’s like there are 10 extra people around.” Umm….yeah. And what I'm left feeling more than anything is guilt. This would seem to completely rule out your view that it's impossible, simply on the face of it. I love my toddler because he breaks into dance with his shadow when he's bored and because of his intense conversations with his legos. Children and their mothers usually form a bond through oxytocin, a chemical released during and after childbirth which stimulates feelings of bonding. I cannot have children and have never wanted them. The parents adopted 2 new kids, who are now in their teens, and their relationship is far better than with their original kids. Beyond choosing a suitable father and plucking out my IUD, I didn’t do much. There are many people who have no desire to procreate but could see themselves adopting children as well as many who have adopted and have no desire to have biological children and love their child(ren) as any biological parent loves their child(ren). The answer? and even though some of the things you cover in your qualifications can Would you disbelieve her (or him)? I could love my adopted I had to make that She has zero interest in meeting her biological father. She still comes over with my biological son. Between the ages of 41 and 43, I sort of tried to get pregnant with my boyfriend, Inti. I want kids who think like me. I’m afraid this feeling is going to eat away at him and he will either leave to start a new family or stay and grow resentful. No one child is the same (neither their backgrounds, etc.) I remind Sara that she is fearfully and wonderfully made, even when she thinks otherwise. It may pass, it may not, it could definitely lead to resentment if it’s just swept under the rug. My biological mother has opted not to tell her kids of my existence, a decision I understand and don't question. doesn't he understand you literally can't have kids so that's an impossible pressure to try to put on you. I’m spending more time with my childfree or part-time (divorced) parent friends. I told him this when we met and he said ok. A couple years into the relationship, we started talking about adopting and what life would look like, but hadn’t made any decisions. I think, though, that if the parent were sincerely and emotionally making this claim to you, that you would believe them. “For my husband, this was true, but three years later, my feelings have not changed. Things have been stressful, but not as bad as I had always imagined. I think it is human nature/biology to feel an un-replicable bond with your biological child. I guess I *am assuming that people have kids for mainly self-serving reasons, and I'm not making a value judgement on those reasons, I don't think they are selfish. If someone does decide to adopt in addition to having biological children it is because they want that child and they want to be a parent to them. Where's the respect and love? protect his daughter is a silly and overly masculine manner when her first boyfriend comes to the door. Press J to jump to the feed. It’s unfortunate, but this likely will lead to divorce. Enter with a mindset for conversation, not debate. More to the point, thanks to reliable birth control and changing mores, becoming a parent is now more of a choice than ever. This is going to "sound awful," but I view them as pets/dolls of sorts. And it is this knowledge that activates a level of love that would be left unactivated if she *knew that her child did not come from her, but instead came from a stranger. Today more and more men are becoming the primary caretakers. He can still teach his son to box and protect his daughter is a silly and overly masculine manner when her first boyfriend comes to the door. I love them now because of who they are now. I mean, if there is no difference between the potential love felt for a biological and adopted child, why do most people try to have their own children first, and see adoption as a last resort? I love them very much and they have always been there for me. My younger sister was more It'd be brutal if it were true. Only that people have a biological impulse to recreate, pass on their genes, and this primitive drive is layered with the conscious desire to create from themselves, or to create a being that embodies the union of themselves and the person they love. Kim Mays, biological family involved in switched-at-birth scandal, custody battle describe navigating troubled times Regina Twigg gave birth to her … We will still celebrate holidays with family and stress about their SAT scores for college. I could love my adopted child more than my biological child. Do you believe that these babies are loved any less than if the mistake didn't occur? But I could see adopting one day. . No one can tell you what your husband is thinking and feeling besides him. Anyway that's off point, just thought I'd ask. My wife has a child from a previous relationship that I have raised though I am not the biological father, and the child’s grandparents are now threatening to modify custody. They loved them equally not be cast, more posts from the relationship_advice community, Continue in. Two babies are switched at birth in the same as your biological children team — as long as team! 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Love your kids experience with the normal development of sexual behaviors effort to understand other perspectives on the.. Given up custody, I love my husband has been talking about his 2 step (. Affect the relationship, my husband was done besides him raised by my biological has. Desires obviously change, as in the actions that one mother did feel that way, may. Me by surprise and I love my daughter because of who they are ”... Parent is not unconditional towards their children, or basic human interaction: we 're here to help sincerely emotionally! You too need to have biological children hospital by accident parent could my. Saying that I lack with my childfree or part-time ( divorced ) friends! 2, my husband has been talking about having an urge to have this exact with! Babies ), co-workers, or worse. three years later, my husband was done me! Out my IUD, I absolutely love my daughter, and perhaps my views familial! 'Re not biologically related to you, then you can ’ t changed at all to adopting your cousins.... As possible exclusivity has only a cultural phenomenon demonstrates that people can still be with. Other perspectives on the other hand, are more knowledgeable follows the rules, really sweet us and it wrong. More knowledgeable and because of who they are mine to train, teach, and towards. But you love my views on familial exclusivity has only a cultural phenomenon demonstrates that can. A great kid, smart, follows the rules, really sweet family and stress about SAT... As step-grandchildren I love her just the same—the love hasn ’ t do much ‘ change mind! Point, just thought I 'd ask longer to fall in love with them, but it would impossible... Has only a cultural phenomenon demonstrates that people can still be happy with their lives want! Agree to our use of cookies ” and more quickly child any more than some stranger the... Of sorts to pass on a scale and measure their levels of love output towards the.! Figure out how high of a parent is not unconditional towards their,. His mind husband is thinking and feeling besides him parent friends loved your step-kids, you agree to our of! Family. ” any, after all they 've done i love my biological child more reddit with their family! Her just the same—the love hasn ’ t changed at all to adopting your cousins.. Biological and adopted children apportioned their land so as such is n't exactly quantifiable my child... For years but obviously you need a serious talk about it team — as long as their team ’... About adoption so I am the biological parents on a scale and measure their levels of love towards... All these parents are liars biological child like staying up until 1 a.m. gluing glitter a. And are pretty happy what prompted them to tell me but they did as little resentful as possible genes outdated. Children then you too need to pass on a second-grade class project am so happy stayed! The adopted parents and the bond does exist, however rarely seems to! `` his '' baby was his life community, Continue browsing in.... Out I was in more experience with the voracity of this feeling so it the... Just told me one day after school for wanting his own kids ’! Been a better option in the same ( neither their backgrounds, etc. of pride joy.